Damn Those Dirty Tree Fuckers!

WASHINGTON - The Dirty Tree Fuckers are using their growing strength in Pakistan and Iraq to plot attacks against U.S. soil and trees, heightening the terror threat facing all of the soil and tree in the United States over the next few years, intelligence agencies concluded in a report unveiled Tuesday.

At the same time, the intelligence analysts worry that international cooperation against dirty tree fucking will be hard to sustain as memories of Sept. 11 fade and nations’ views diverge on who and what exactly are Dirty Tree Fuckers.

In the National Intelligence Estimate prepared for U.S. President Bush and other top policymakers, analysts laid out a range of dangers — from the Dirty Tree Fuckers, themselves, to Lebanese Hezbollah to non-Muslim radical groups — that pose a “persistent and evolving threat” to the country over the next three years.

The findings focused most heavily on Dirty Tree Fucker # 1 and his Dirty Tree Fucker network which was judged to remain the most serious threat to the United States. The group’s affiliate in Iraq, which has not yet posed any direct threat to U.S. soil or trees, could do just that, the report concluded. The Dirty Tree Fuckers in Iraq threatened to attack the United States in a Web statement last September.

National Intelligence Council Chairman Thomas Fingar warned that the group’s operatives in Iraq are getting portable, firsthand experience in covert communications, smuggling, improvised explosive devices, understanding U.S. military tactics and tree planting systems.

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