Morrissey is not gay!

Bill O'Turdly, January 27, 2008

With legions of female fans, sensitive male fans who can recite all the lyrics to every Smiths’ song, perfectly styled hair (the likes of which we haven’t seen since Roger Moore’s cheesey James Bond days), and properly ironed and pressed clothing, Morrissey is a shinning beacon of heterosexuality.

Andrew Winters, a lifelong Morrissey fan and Morrissey’s roadie for one ill fated day, gives us evidence of Morrissey’s uber-heterosexuality.

During the soundcheck I am to “fragrance spray” between the front row and front of house and am informed that Morrissey’s PA will provide me with the fragrance of the day “if required”.

The production carries “sound-check suits”. I am informed that the band are considered “ambassadors” of the Morrissey tour and are therefore expected to be dressed in these suits for all soundchecks, all collective flights, all dinners and functions that may possibly include Morrissey – and it’s my responsibility to make sure that they are wearing them.

I am also responsible for the upkeep of the suits, their dry cleaning and steam-pressing before each show. I must iron shirts and clean shoes.

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